Jurassic Park is About a Woman Getting a Man to Have a Baby with Her, and 66 Other Thoughts I Had While Watching It Again

Hear me out. There is a subplot in this movie, the first movie I ever remember watching, that is completely unnecessary to the rest of the film. I noticed this when I was rewatching it, in anticipation for Jurassic World, which hit theaters yesterday. I’m not saying she’s the cause of the events of the first film, but the dinosaurs didn’t escape until she showed up… so…

If the fact that I’m even writing a post about this hasn’t made this clear, I have strong feelings about Jurassic Park. Strong. Like I said before, its the first movie I ever remember watching. I was sitting in the back of a blue mini-van at the Winter Drive-In, probably in my pajamas (I was four), and I’m pretty sure it was double-billed with the other archaeological documentary of the summer, The Flintstones. For the next several years, I wanted to become an archaeologist when I grew up. I drew pictures of dinosaurs, I learned all their names, and one of the top, like… five important toys of my childhood was a T. Rex puppet that my mom would use to read bedtime stories to me and my sister. (That was a multi-talented T. Rex — she could sing and dance and high-kick like a Rockette.) A few years later, The Lost World: Jurassic Park premiered. My family and I were in Alaska at the time, visiting my uncle and his family. In the grand tradition of the Williamson cousins, a sequel to this movie was created, starring myself, Carmen, and our older cousin, Mark. While it would seem footage of this blockbuster has been lost to the dusts of time, some production stills have survived.

Spotting a velociraptor in the Alaskan suburban wilderness… could have been a moose.

Robert Muldoon, via Jurassic World News

1. That’s the look of a man who’s seen some stuff.
2. I wonder if Sarah Lew was actually at Isla Nublar when she was in Costa Rica. Probably was.
3. Shoooooot herrrrrrr!!!! This just goes to show that Joffrey is a terrible name. Bye Joffrey.
   

   Donald Gennaro (he has a name!), via Pinterest

4. I think the early 90s way of saying insurance company or lawyer was a putting a balding man in a double-breasted suit.
5. Where do I get an amber-encased mosquito for my fancy cane?
6. When I was five years old, this is what I imagined my adult life as an archaeologist would be like. Just sweaty dessert digging.
   

   The blog post this came from was actually pretty great. You should read it at The Greatest Blog of All Time.

7. According to my friend Jim, this kid should grow up to be Chris Pratt in Jurassic World because of his interest in velociraptors and his appearance and such. I’ll buy it.
   

   High-waisted, too. So trendy. (via Legendary Trips)

8. Ellie Sattler is totally rocking in the jeans and chambray long before it was cool. Even the bucket hat is back, sadly.
9. This is also where it becomes apparent that this movie is entirely about a woman trying to get a man to have a baby with her. This whole conversation about having kids is unnecessary to the film.
   

   via JPLegacy.

10. If an Attenborough showed up in my trailer kitchen I would be beside myself with excitement.
11. “Spared no expense” count: one
12. I hate Newman and anything that he’s in. What is he even called in this movie? Just stop being you, Newman.
13. Mmm, early 90s Jeff Goldblum. And now the insurance man is wearing a suit and shorts combo. This movie was far more fashion forward than I remembered.
14. Foreshadowing! This is foreshadowing! Two female connectors — life finds away!
15. Much voltage, so danger.
16. I’d probably be losing my mind to if I saw a dinosaur. That is the coolest. That is every kid’s dream, right there.
    

    via the archives.

17. I would be way more excited about this little interactive nerdy video than any roller coaster or thrill ride.
18. DIN-UH-SOURRRRS
19. The ominous voice of Samuel L. Jackson.
20. It’s a baaaayy-beeee!
21. “Life… uh… finds a way.” I was expecting like at least six more “uh”s in there.
22. Could I have registered for the Jurassic Park fine china?
23. “Spared no expense” count: 2
24. Sorry, John. Everybody thinks this a bad idea.
    

    Uggggghhhhhh. (via Movie Pilot)

25. Now let’s throw some kids in the mix! Wonderful.
26. Love that car. Still do. Note to self: research car wraps to turn my CRV into a park car.
27. “Spared no expense” count: 3
28. “Hold onto your butts.” – Samuel L. Jackson That has to be my favorite quote from any movie, ever. I hope my kids grow up saying that and that’s the annoying thing that they say.
29. “Spared no expense” count: 4
30. This is just like any zoo where the animals aren’t anywhere near the fences and most the time they’re all asleep and you can’t see them. Congratulations, you made a zoo.
    

    Go away, Newman. (via The RPF.)

31. Newman’s appearance matches his workspace matches his personality and I hate it all. Why won’t Samuel L. Jackson (or SLJ, for the rest of this list) go all Jules Winnfield from Pulp Fiction on him? His name is Nedry. Of course it is.
32. No seriously those kids so annoying and I don’t know which one is worse.
33. I, for one, wouldn’t be able to resist Dr. Ian Malcom’s charms.
34. Locking mechanisms seem like a no brainer. I feel like a lot of basic things were overlooked here.
35. Again, I’d cry, too, if I was touching a triceratops
36. Ominous storm is ominous.
37. Jeff Goldblum in all black for this movie reminds me of the Dread Pirate Roberts in The Princess Bride.
38. “It could have been worse John. A lot worse.” Yes. It could have. Basically, assume something bad will happen any time SLJ opens his mouth.
39. Again with the kids. They really are trying to force Dr. Grant to like/care about kids.
40. Goat’s gone. They gave the raptors a whole cow but the T. rex only gets a goat? That’s barely an appetizer.
    

    At least he had his pants on. (via The Wire.)

41. What a noble way to go: wearing shorts with a button down, sitting in an outhouse, eaten by a dinosaur.
42. I think this is the scene that really just highlights how much of a liability those kids were. Especially her. She’s the worst.
43. Dead weight hanging off his back. That literally sums up Lexi in this movie. Is it clear enough that I really dislike her?
44. Dilophosaurus – 1, Nedry – 0. RIP Nedry.
    

    I’m afraid if I clicked that link I would read something I’m not ready to read, but you can. (via GameZone)

45. Ok, serious question: will that Barbasol can play a role in the new Jurassic World movie? Like, they found it when they were assessing the damage to the island, and somehow the embryos are still viable, and they decide to just go with it and rebuild. This is the theory I’m putting forward about Jurassic World.
46. This scene about Tim throwing up is all too real. I’d choose to live in the tree for the rest of my life too if I puked all over the place. I would choose to die by dinosaur over dying by embarrassment.
47. Is this one of the rides at Universal? Race the Car down the Tree?
    

    Just before she got sneezed on… (via Jurassic Park Wiki)

48. Those brachiosauruses look more like old-timey claymations. This is the only time I’m disappointed in the dinosaur depiction here. Weak.
49. More pushing the kids on Dr. Grant.
50. They can’t give this old man a break about how bad of an idea his park was. Brb, let me check out that buffet…
51. “Spared no expense” count: 5
52. Yes, I do think Lexi deserved to be sneezed on. Dino boogies.
53. She’s a hacker. Of course she is. If I rolled my eyes any harder they’d fall out of my head.
54. Life found a way!!!
    

    “I require a velvet painting of this.” – Somewhere else on the internet when I was searching for this image (via Giphy)

55. Jeff Goldblum’s heaving chest.
56. “Hold on to your butts.” Never gets old!
57. Stampede! Simba’s down there!
58. No time for old fashioned notions of chivalry now, Hammond.
59. Also a ride at Universal: Climb the Electric Fence Before the Power Comes On
    

    The source for this was weird. I’m not sure where it came from..

60. How did that raptor get behind those… what are those? Pipes? Wires? I guess she was a… clever girl.
61. Ellie tells him to run after finally reuniting with him, but then runs directly into his arms. I would have run straight past him.
    

    So many health code violations. (via Metro)

62. Girl, stop tappin’ those claws on the stainless steel and get a pedicure.
63. Please. Just eat the girl already.
    

    Even this article called it one of the top 10 most ridiculous tech moments (via APCMag)

64. Derp derp derp it’s a Unix system, I’m a hacker. I don’t care if she got the park back online, Lexi is not the hero of this movie.
65. No stars for Jurassic Park on Yelp: no wifi, they let the food sit out all day, occasional raptor attacks.
66. Wait, what happened to SLJ? Did he get on a boat? I don’t think so. He stayed to try and reboot the system. They just left SLJ at murder-lizard island. So, Snakes on a Plane was just a really bad flash back for him?
    

    “See? That wasn’t so bad.” (via Meritcoba)

67. Ellie’s “see? Kids — they’re not so bad!” look proves my theory that this entire movie is about a woman convincing a man to have a baby with her. So unnecessary.

The film does pass the Bechdel Test, but the side plot about Dr. Sattler trying to convince Dr. Grant to have a baby could have been left out entirely and no one would have noticed. I know, it is entirely up to this fictional character whether or not she chooses to become a mother, but if she’s a top paleobotanist and John Hammond has offered to fund their dig fully for the next three years, it doesn’t seem like the right time. (She does go on to have kids, just not with Dr. Alan Grant.)

I’m super excited about this movie, and I can’t wait to go see it the way I saw the first one — with my family, hopefully at the drive in. And then I’ll go see it at a regular theater. Then in IMAX if I can find one showing it. And then I’ll buy myself the lunch box.